Last Friday was my birthday.
I am now twenty-seven and let me tell you honestly, it hit me harder than I thought it would. Harder than I could care to admit. There is a part of me that knows that this is ridiculous. Twenty-seven isn't old. Or even sort of old. And definitely not expired. But what I can't wrap my head around is how much more serious it sounds than twenty-six. I don't feel like I am in my mid-twenties anymore - twenty-seven sounds so much closer to thirty. And thirty. Thirty sounds really intense.
I know I sound insane. And my husband, who turned thirty-one this past Saturday, isn't really handing over any sympathy. I know numbers are irrelevant. I know that I am the one adding all the symbolism and pressure and weight to a day that really doesn't mean much. But it's one of those things I've been dealing with as of late.
I can't help but take stock.
I am sure of some pretty big things in this life - my husband, my son, my family - but around birthdays (or rather, this one in particular) I can't help but think that I should some of my other stuff sorted. There are things that I feel like I have been working on for years now, and somedays, I'm just not feeling like I am any closer to figuring these things out.
The big one is my professional life. I've probably driven my husband and close friends a bit crazy over the last while, jumping from one idea to the next. My problem is one of too many passions. I could do so many different things and I care deeply them. I know that I want writing to be a big part of my life. It always sort of has been. Before it was done in private and now it's way more about storytelling. I want to get better at writing - get more serious and more regimented about it and I've set a personal goal this year to do more of it and continue to work at my form and my voice. On the other hand, I am still such a visual person. My mind has always worked that way and that is one of the reasons I haven't been able to commit to a more traditional career path. I have been trying hard to figure out what I can do as a job that can marry all of these things. What can feel inspiring and challenging while feeding my need for expression and quite frankly, give me an income?
That last bit is hard. It's hard to be trying to figure out your personal goals under a financial microscope but I don't have the luxury to ignore what we need as a family and what we want for our future.
See? So much to load onto this birthday.
So much to think about.
Images by the lovely Natasha Bardin, who stopped by Hamilton to say hello and managed to capture Felix and me exactly how I dream we are. I love these two images and stared at them for a half hour straight before emailing them to everyone I know. Natasha you are so good at seeing the perfect shot and as a mum with too many iPhone photos of her boy but not enough real pictures, thank you for this wonderful gift!